If My Daydreams Could Manifest Into Realities – Lives Would Thus Be Ruined

I am oddly aware of the mixed blessing it is for my daydreams to be conjured into realities. If we had the power to manipulate the minds and emotions of others to the extent that we sometimes desire, lives would undoubtedly be ruined. Sometimes when things do not go my way, when people are not who I wish them to be, or when circumstances seemingly conspire against my happiness I kick and complain, yet somewhere deep down my conscience reminds me that it is as it should be. I do not wish to have puppets and puppies @ my beck and call, therefore free will is indeed a blessing.

We must grow strong in that we can unclench our fists easily. As much as I want to grasp onto someone’s coat tails or collar, I must grow strong in that I can unclench my fists easily – and let go! Let go!

Let go of the ex boyfriend who moved on to the next one two weeks after professing undying love, let go of the father who sends mixed messages about love and then loathing, let go of the landlady who gives you sour looks and more than the usual number of threats in her late payment notices, let go of those who are quick to borrow but never repay.. Just let go.. Clenched fists are the easy part!

Imagine if our minds were powerful and devious enough to do as our hearts willed. Many a relationship would be ruined among friends, lovers, spouses, etc. The order of things is as it is for a reason, and we cannot hope to exert control beyond that which we are responsible for – ourselves! In fact, when we are honest with ourselves we do not want that responsibility.

Take a common scenario: If you want Mr. X to be with you, but he is with Ms. J and you could but will him away by the power of your love and the promise of you lifelong faithfulness would you desire to? The obvious answer might be – YES! For you lay pining for him night after night, and you see his shadow in the being of every man who skips through downtown holding hands, kissing, or even just hailing a cab for his girlfriend. But when you look deeper you might find that in all honesty – you do not want that power.

You want him to *choose you*. Not to be love potion-ed into it. For if his affections occur only after the latter, then you know it is not true love. You also know that the domino effect of every other event will undoubtedly lead a trail of incriminating breadcrumbs to your door! If he stays with you instead of moving to Michigan with Ms. J to start a family, it may be your fault when he gets laid off at work, your fault when Ms. J marries another who ends up beating both her body and her mind mercilessly, your fault when you miscarry his child and he becomes a bitter alcoholic.

Circumstances may never become as grim as described above, on the other hand they may be worse. The point it, one will never know. One will never know how much a single action of a butterfly flapping its wings at one exact moment could have such a domino effect as to impact the lives of others. No one wants that responsibility. To be responsible for one person (yourself), is one thing, but to be responsible for the futures and fortitude of a chain of people based on your heart’s selfishness stealing the free will of another and forcing them into the role you feel they should play is a different matter entirely.

So when next you stumble upon disappointment caused by the selfishness or myopic nature of another – do not let your heart be troubled. Do not let your heart strings be tugged mercilessly out of your chest as you imagine the “what ifs” and strain your mind attempting to magically make things go your way. Of course one cannot expect that you will rejoice in your sorrow, but all I ask is don’t let the light dim in your eyes or your joy diminish – but also realize that you cannot force him/her/them/it into that role you wish they would play. You can only do your part, and hold on to your self worth, all the rest is beyond your control.

Unclench your fist and release that person. So too might the ill feelings and weakness flow from your being, leaving you open to grasp onto other things.. Free to lock fingers with one whose looking to hold you. Free to grasp the opportunities that await you in places your mind might have never imagined..

I’ve unclenched my fists and let go of any and everything I sought to hold onto. Below is my official declaration, and the end of the tension.. Below is the beginning of my possibilities.. x

I would not dare to pronounce
The thoughts in my head
The feelings in my chest
The dreams in my bed.

I would not wish to change but a thing
But fear that *one thing*
Would alter – every other
thing.

So therefore I resign
To a fate worse than “what if”
Shutting the window of possibility
Against the raging storm.

My window pane’s already shattered
And as I finger the shards
I know the time is nigh
Before it becomes too hard.

A culmination of storm clouds
Rising and forming
Darkening and gathering
Preparing for the storm

A force of nature
Few can withstand
Drawn to its might
Yet paralyzed by *fright

The storm is the decoy
The clouds are the curtain
Backstage is the truth
Of this I am ever certain

Therein lies a calm
On the brink of calamity
A sane pause
Before the *insanity.

I step away from the window
I draw shut the blinds
Possibility washed away
By the rain and its tide.

Painfully aware that wants
Are in direct opposition to needs
I slowly pull away
As my heart begs and pleads.

Yet, it is not to be
And hence: I no longer resist
Alas it is not so
And I shall not be so egotistic
To transform every other piece (person) to a pawn
In a game so thoroughly *hedonistic.

And as thus I retreat
Chastised by my conscience
Waking up from the dream
To a reality of nonsense…
* alone.

Alone, but aware that better things are to come. x
-zcsj-

Prince Charming Is Away Right Now. Fend for Yourself.

Passion is the oddest of *emotions. While everything appears yet calm and unchanged on the surface, wars rage within – swaying one first one way and then another. That one can be equally passionate and moved about opposite sides of an issue never once occurred to me until I experienced it within my own being.

On the one hand I was desperately convinced that “early marriage” was definitely in the cards for me. My “settled nature,” my skill @ being an excellent girlfriend, and my desire to remain respectably chaste outside the confines of any relationship drove me to believe marriage was the way forward. Of course it would not be a marriage where I was resigned to being the shadow of a greater man, hardly! It was to be a marriage of two young equally ambitious and potential filled individuals coming together to conquer parts of the world individually aided by the strength and stability the other provides.

Unfortunately my pessimistic nature and memories of instances I’ve witnessed led me to cross-examine and overanlyze every potential individual until it occurred to me – none was what I wanted. I questioned the reasons they wanted me, the depth of the relationship, the images and daydreams my head conjured up that no reality was able to match. Problems abounded: distance, dissatisfaction, lack of adequate intellect, lack of the determination to succeed I felt burning within my chest, and the greatest of these – my unfailing belief that 10 out of 10 men @ any point in their life will sacrifice me on the altar of *mishap when the fork in the road dictates they either advance themselves or sacrifice a part of their dream for that of their significant other.

I have no misconceptions about Prince Charming riding through. If he has need for his horse to ride out and attain new lands, or if his sword is being polished so that he might appear mighty, noble, and regal on the day of the feast – I know he will not come. I know that he will instead go where fame and money and his selfish nature will lead him.

I am not deluded. I am not bitter. I am yet realistic. Therefore, I chose to subdue my romantic and giving side, and cater more to my own desire to succeed and conquer my piece of the world and rule my own kingdom. I refuse to cast blame or feel anger that others first consider themselves and then those surrounding them, for it is simply the way of the world. My eyes are opened and my heart is closed.

I will not become harsh or hardened, I simply refrain from my usual *softness and overly *giving nature and plant my eyes on the prize. With my heart attuned to the Most High, my mind fixed on the constellations, and my intellect and competitive nature racing towards every opportunity I step off the unknown and “natural” path that will lead to a life of mediocrity, and pursue my latest passion doggedly.

The passion that beats in my heart, and drowns out the doubts of those whispering wicked words is no longer for a man to cuddle with and share in my every celebration and success. The passion that moves me now is one that recognizes my gifts and talents, recognizes what a key year this last year @ university is, and recognizes that a year from now I could be – anyone, doing anything my heart so desires. The only confines that exist are those placed by myself and the mediocrity I choose to settle for. Therefore I smash the glass ceilings and look everly upwards as the shards fall around my feet. I may be cut and hurt a few times on this journey up, but I am more than ready for the dizzying heights and the new experiences. All else will come… As will my prince charming.

If he is reading this memo I warn him that the more accomplishments I acquire, the more of him I shall desire. I am learning to groom and ride my own horse, to wield my own sword, so that if he is called away – I shall alone before, during, and after survive; and as thus I set forth to create my *ever after*.

x