Passion is the oddest of *emotions. While everything appears yet calm and unchanged on the surface, wars rage within – swaying one first one way and then another. That one can be equally passionate and moved about opposite sides of an issue never once occurred to me until I experienced it within my own being.
On the one hand I was desperately convinced that “early marriage” was definitely in the cards for me. My “settled nature,” my skill @ being an excellent girlfriend, and my desire to remain respectably chaste outside the confines of any relationship drove me to believe marriage was the way forward. Of course it would not be a marriage where I was resigned to being the shadow of a greater man, hardly! It was to be a marriage of two young equally ambitious and potential filled individuals coming together to conquer parts of the world individually aided by the strength and stability the other provides.
Unfortunately my pessimistic nature and memories of instances I’ve witnessed led me to cross-examine and overanlyze every potential individual until it occurred to me – none was what I wanted. I questioned the reasons they wanted me, the depth of the relationship, the images and daydreams my head conjured up that no reality was able to match. Problems abounded: distance, dissatisfaction, lack of adequate intellect, lack of the determination to succeed I felt burning within my chest, and the greatest of these – my unfailing belief that 10 out of 10 men @ any point in their life will sacrifice me on the altar of *mishap when the fork in the road dictates they either advance themselves or sacrifice a part of their dream for that of their significant other.
I have no misconceptions about Prince Charming riding through. If he has need for his horse to ride out and attain new lands, or if his sword is being polished so that he might appear mighty, noble, and regal on the day of the feast – I know he will not come. I know that he will instead go where fame and money and his selfish nature will lead him.
I am not deluded. I am not bitter. I am yet realistic. Therefore, I chose to subdue my romantic and giving side, and cater more to my own desire to succeed and conquer my piece of the world and rule my own kingdom. I refuse to cast blame or feel anger that others first consider themselves and then those surrounding them, for it is simply the way of the world. My eyes are opened and my heart is closed.
I will not become harsh or hardened, I simply refrain from my usual *softness and overly *giving nature and plant my eyes on the prize. With my heart attuned to the Most High, my mind fixed on the constellations, and my intellect and competitive nature racing towards every opportunity I step off the unknown and “natural” path that will lead to a life of mediocrity, and pursue my latest passion doggedly.
The passion that beats in my heart, and drowns out the doubts of those whispering wicked words is no longer for a man to cuddle with and share in my every celebration and success. The passion that moves me now is one that recognizes my gifts and talents, recognizes what a key year this last year @ university is, and recognizes that a year from now I could be – anyone, doing anything my heart so desires. The only confines that exist are those placed by myself and the mediocrity I choose to settle for. Therefore I smash the glass ceilings and look everly upwards as the shards fall around my feet. I may be cut and hurt a few times on this journey up, but I am more than ready for the dizzying heights and the new experiences. All else will come… As will my prince charming.
If he is reading this memo I warn him that the more accomplishments I acquire, the more of him I shall desire. I am learning to groom and ride my own horse, to wield my own sword, so that if he is called away – I shall alone before, during, and after survive; and as thus I set forth to create my *ever after*.